i HaVe iSSuEs!!

Well it's been a while since I've blogged. Like always, things have just been insanely busy, that's why I still doubt that blogging is for me. But since I have all the time here at work right now I might as well vent what's been mind boggling the past 4 (maybe more lol) months.

Growing up I have NEVER.....ever ever ever ever had a problem with weight, being fit, fitting into clothes from 5 years ago, having that nice flat tummy, and being or at least 'feeling' fat. I was always told that I was 'too skinny' or that "i need to eat.' Now me, being such a ditz I totally believed that. So I would eat.....and eat....and eat anything and everything I wanted believing I'd be fine because I not only never gained weight, I was always active and dropped weight pretty quick.

Well that all changed in the last year and a half. LOL

It seriously has taken a toll on my self esteem. Many might think I'm crazy for feeling this way but this is frustrating i have NEVER been this 'big' in my life.(oh gosh I never thought I'd say that...let alone let everyone know how I feel lol) The worse thing is I don't even have and excuse LOL i have no kids, unlike my gorgeous gals Tangi and Sia who have kidS, notice that 'S'?? Yes they have KIDS not just one but 3 and they're the skinniest mamas

See what I mean?? (lucky girls)

so therefore being this big is MY fault. LOL
I know that sounds ridiculous but I don't care... it doesn't feel good.
Why does self motivation towards losing weight have to be so hard...ugh?
I believe a lot of the reason I became so insecure about the way I looked and felt was because of the events that took place in my life especially this past year. August 2008 I had won the Miss Tonga Utah title. I had the opportunity to serve my people and fulfill all other duties of a "pagaent girl". And for the first time in my life i felt "fat". The once, size SMALL cocktail and formal dresses that had no problem zipping up didn't even fit up my thighs OR over my chest....what the frustrating right?? lol (this really isn't funny but i'm serious)
The more that happened the more it'd bring me down and I began to become discouraged in fulfilling pageant duties. Luckily for me my sisters who know my emotions as if it were their own helped me out dieting and toning up for MISS UTAH, even though I didn't have that Victoria Secret body I was okay with having a little MORE to love than the rest of the Miss Utah Contestants!! =)

Anyway the reason I even bring this up is because I've about had it with being out of shape. haha
NO REALLY!
Just the past 2 months it's been Church Ball season. I absolutely LOVE church basketball. It's super fun playing with the ladies in our stake and no matter what...because it's church- Everyone's a Winner right??!! LOL Anyway I played basketball back in high school but Sia and I had to quit due to our shows and a big guilt trip- that we were seriously only on the team to get our sweatshirts LOL. Unbelieveable isn't it? haha So I honestly have not played since back then (2004) and thought I'd give it a try again...funny right?? lol Well we won our first 4 games due to the other team forfeiting (but we don't tell anyone that lol). Our first real game we played my home ward (Taylorsville 6th). I was in Hawaii at the time but got the news that we got killed. no bueno. The following week we played again, this time I had the chance to show off my not so good skills and
OH EM GEE i was dying. Trying to hide it and all, I was dying. My calves were killing me. My throat was hurting from breathing so darn hard. And the worst thing was my baby hairs on the top of my head were curly from sweating. HAHAHAHAHA Oh my SHAME?? YES! haha I decided after that game that it was FINALLY time to do something about being out of shape because I can't be dying ugly like that every game. lol I began watching more of what I was eating and trying to exercise a lot more.
This past week we played a game again. We lost but this time i was a lot more pleased with myself because this time I could hang. =) Although we lost by 17, which was less than our last game (<<-- that we lost by 20 points haha)I was proud of our girls. No one plays basketball on our team and we were seriously playing against these ALL STAR high school and former college players that I totally wish I could play like. Through it all though we all had a fun time playing with each other. I'm just glad I got some exercise in...otherwise my airport exercise and Racket Ball would be all the exercise I was doing. haha **Shout out to Taylorsville 6th, Kearns 9th adn 13th**
Anyway, like I said before, I've always been active whether in sports or dancing locally or on the road. Since our economy has gone down shows have drastically changed from me being out every weekend or every other weekend to now getting a call for a job once a month or once every other month, IF I'm lucky.
I was never on a set work out schedule since I thought I didn't need it so having to exercise NOW is just really hard for me. At first it was tough after being so use to it but I have really enjoyed being home with family and friends. Another positive side of this "issue" is that I've had the opportunity to attend my YSA ward where I've grown spiritually more than ever. =) I LOVE IT! Hopefully as the year goes I will STAY determined to be fit so I can fit into that hot wedding dress riiiight?? LOL wish me luck. =)